


i'll need that tps report by five

by patho (ghostsoldier)



Category: Dishonored (Video Game)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Epistolary, Gen, Illustrated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 16:12:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostsoldier/pseuds/patho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not that Daud's a bad boss. Good minions are just terribly hard to come by.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll need that tps report by five

**Author's Note:**

> Part of me wants to blame everyone in the Dishonored tumblr fandom for this story, but I'm pretty sure I'm the one who perpetuated most of the ridiculousness leading up to it and it's no one's fault by my own.
> 
> Or: [mugumugu](http://mugumugu.tumblr.com/) used the tag _#daud’s strategy for keeping whalers in top form is by thinning the herd with workplace safety accidents_ , and me and my terrible sense of humor just went to town.

**Memo**  
 **From:** Daud  
 **To:**        Whalers  
 **Date:**     Day 12, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**    Cautionary signs  
  
I don’t care who put it there, but the sign next to the hole in the floor needs to go. That drop is there for a reason.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**   Daud  
 **To:**       Whalers  
 **Date:**     Day 15, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**    Cheating  
  
It has come to my attention that some of you have been implementing a buddy system for restroom trips when it is pitch black outside. This behavior stops now. If you end up with a broken ankle because you can’t figure out how to use your dark vision to navigate the stairwell, it’s your own damn fault. If I catch any of you doing this again, it’s going into your performance evaluations.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**   Daud  
 **To:**      Whalers  
 **Date:**     Day 16, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:** Performance evaluations  
  
Performance evaluations are on the twentieth day of every third month. If you had read the informational packet provided during your orientation, you would know this.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**    Daud  
 **To:**      Whalers  
 **Date:**    Day 16, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**    Informational packets  
  
For those of you who have lost your packets, there are a few extra copies in my office. They will be distributed on a first come, first served basis. I didn’t anticipate that so many of you were incompetent enough as to lose them, and I’m not made of paper.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**    your guys  
 **To:**       daud  
 **Date:**    16:4  
 **Subj:**    not made of paper????  
  
coulda fooled us dude. at this rate we could use the memos to wallpaper the dormitory  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:** YOUR BOSS  
 **To:**       WHALERS  
 **Date:** Day 17, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**    Do you still enjoy being in possession of a head?  
  
Because that can change, very easily.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:** Daud  
 **To:**     The idiot who fancies himself an artist  
 **Date:**   Day 18, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**    Graffiti  
  
1\. Clean that shit up immediately.  
2\. If you thought I wasn’t going to see it, YOU WERE BADLY MISTAKEN.  
3\. That doesn’t even look like me.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**   the artist formerly known as hahahaha like i’m putting my actual name  
 **To:**   the boss man  
 **Date:** 19:4  
 **Subj:**    wait why were you using the dormitory bathroom don’t you have your own?  
  
dear sir:  
is this better

  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**    Daud  
 **To:**     I WILL FIND YOU  
 **Date:**     Day 19, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**    NO  
  
NO IT IS NOT  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**    Daud  
 **To:**      Whalers  
 **Date:**     Day 19, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**    This ends now  
  
I will be conducting a search of the dormitories sometime tomorrow. Anyone caught with official memo letterhead and/or art supplies will be severely reprimanded. The next time you feel like complaining, perhaps you should consider that I didn’t have to provide you with any warning at all.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**    Daud  
 **To:**        Whalers  
 **Date:**    Day 21, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**   Nice job everyone  
  
In general, I was pleased with the results of yesterday’s search. However, in light of some disturbing documents I uncovered, I’m doubling your patrols for the next week at least. If you’ve got time enough for creative pursuits, you’ve got too much time on your hands.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:** Daud  
 **To:**        Jenkins  
 **Date:**     Day 21, Month of Rain  
 **Subj:**    Obscene flipbooks hidden under the floorboards  
  
See me in my office after your shift today. We need to have a discussion on the appropriate uses of old memos.  
  
***  
  
 **Memo**  
 **From:**    jenkins  
 **To:**        tyros, smith, & reynolds  
 **Date:**     21:4  
 **Subj:**    SHIT YOU GUYS HE’S ON TO US  
  



End file.
